The view from here is much better now. I went down hard last November. Not get out of bed hard. Being drug to doctor by friend hard.
Doctor put me on some anti-depressents — whoa that first day was the worst mental health day of my life. I called my contact list. Miss D thank you so much for saying exactly the right thing. Not “are you okay?” not “would you like me to come” just “great, I’ll be there in 15 minutes, wait for me out front!”
I was sliding down walls hysterically crying and then sort of blacking out before emotionally coming to leaning against another wall. Hysterical. Simply awful.
The second day was the best day of my mental health career. The anxiety that has plagued me since I was a wee thing, finally lifted and has stayed lifted every day that I have remembered my meds. The forgotten days — well that was just proof that these meds are amazing!
Have I mentioned that I am not exactly into medication. Drug-adverse might best describe me. I am a head strong person who has avoided medication with a such devotion.
Speaking of drugs — I also started HRT a few months ago.
All of you who said, “What were you waiting for,?”, well you are right. This is amazing. It is completely different than the pill (which made me depressive, anxiety, with a wickedly low labido, and with this sense that the world had no colour). Also HRT feels completely different than the meds I was on for cycles.
I have opted to pay extra for estrogen via a patch rather than pills, and love it. And it is so so, I don’t know, can you describe being on hormones as smooth?
I sleep better. I have more energy. I lost weight. I just feel better. I look healthier. I bounce back from things better.
Then there is the progesterone week — yeah, that is sort of like my old ‘normal’ with a slight edge. I am so so excited when estrogen day rolls around again. But even P- week isn’t so bad.
And best of all — all the benefits of hormones without the drama of a period.
So yes, it took me nearly a decade to start HRT and nearly two to start anti-anxiety meds. I think for whatever reason that it was the right time for me. But I don’t regret waiting. AND I am also glad that I went ahead and made the leap.
It has made so many other leaps in my life possible.
Like what you ask… ha! as much as I doubt you that you ask, I am going to go ahead and fill you in since this is an overdue update.
Here are the highlights since I those dark November days of last year:
- Private practice – I am well and truly up and running in my own private practice. In less than 10 months I have broken even, started to be able to pay myself, found several dream clients, and filled my schedule.
- Day job – I have negotiated the hours I wanted at my day job which lets me meet a huge range of people. Every day is different and their is virtually no paperwork. Perfect balance to my private caseload
- I moved into a dream flat with a view of the sea and skylights. And a bathtub to soak in on the nights where the house is too cold to describe (central heating is not really that common in New Zealand — think luxurious camping with space heaters)
- Published my first journal article in the premier academic journal of my field. I don’t mention it in public, but I can here on my private little blog that has few readers due to a very slow plot line (cycles that are years and years apart — with consistently negative results isn’t the normal 1-3 year page-turner of a blog arc, plus I am always doing my cycles in odd places that few people have access to)
- Health — well so so, but I have somehow lost weight without trying again. I think because the constant stress and worry the verged on terror was not exactly conducive to anything except creating a layer of protective padding. Almost not drinking. Loving the lack of second hand smoke (but missing many other things in Europe)
What’s next — who knows.
I am talking to some parents who went down the international adoption path. I have a donor lined up who might come to New Zealand for a cycle — if we can ever sort out our crazy international schedule between the lot of us. I have 2 embryos in Spain waiting for me.
At any moment, I will.. I might.. well we’ll see, but at any moment action could happen and then we’ll see.
I do know that each time I do any forward action, even small ones like emailing a clinic to update our current address, I am awash in complicated emotions. But most days I am just living.
Fertility is feeling like that craft project in the closet — just waiting to be picked up, but easily can be put off another week. I know that I can’t do that forever though. At some point I have to get on with this or empty that closet.
To be continued…